For someone I used to love and only wanted the best for.
Never thought your hate for me would go this far.
To stoop so low.
Like a thief in the night, you slipped in without fright.
Every word you spoke seemed so sly,
Something was certainly different about the look in your eyes.
I lay there trying to ignore your presence,
Clenching my blanket, the aura in the room was of an unfamiliar essence.
A small breeze followed by a cold hand,
Like a skilled bandit, you maneuvered your way in, touching my skin.
Trying to escape… every struggle, every move…
There was nothing I could do; I was trapped under your weight and wide frame.
You moaned, I cried out “stop… no.”
You grunted in pleasure, I grimaced in pain.
You pumped your frustration and hatred in and out of me,
I lay there limp, no facial expression, no emotions… limp.
For what seemed like an eternity, you were finally finished…
Rolling off me with heavy breathing and exhaustion,
The sound of your zipper, felt like nails on a chalk board.
Without a word you left, I lay there flat… face down.
The front door closed and tears flowed harder soaking the sheets under me.
My most prized possession, gone.
Days, weeks, months had passed.
Seconds, minutes, hours… passed
There had been only one soul I had told,
No one seemed to understand,
I blamed myself every day for what happened to me.
I knew some way somehow, this was all my fault.
Feelings of worthlessness consumed me,
Isolation was the best answer.
Isolation from God, friends, life… men.
God, because I couldn’t fathom why He would let such a thing happen.
Friends, because I was afraid of judgment
Life, what is life… something so valuable… stripped right from under me.
Men, the thought of any intimate interaction with the male species turned my stomach
They made my blood boil…
I was so insecure in my skin, in my hair…
I still felt dirty even after numerous showers and scrubbing myself raw.
No one would love me… I was mentally alone.
One night I was lying in my bed, crying myself to sleep,
Just when I thought there was no hope… He spoke
And that was the last time I cried tears of pain.
God gives the toughest battles to His strongest soldiers…
“It took a whole damn year to repair my body
It took a whole damn year….. Gon’ take a long long year for me to trust somebody
Gon’ take long long year.”
For an entire year I went through this entire process of feeling less than the soil of the earth to regaining my mental strength and being comfortable with my physical appearance. It would be a lie if I said I was completely healed and had no days where emotionally I was drained from remembering that day. I had to accept that at any time this could happen to anyone when we least expect it and from who we least expect. We don’t expect anyone that we used to love to hurt us in such a way.
“…Get it together
You wanna heal your body
You have to heal your heart
Whatsoever you sow you will reap
Get it together…”
Get it together! That’s exactly what I decided to do. I couldn’t be “broken” forever. Healing me is first on my to-do list. Learning to love me again is one of the greatest tasks I’ve ever accomplished, aside from loving God. I’ve committed to setting my life up for success. Happiness is a must, I am in control of that at all times. If and when I find a life partner, personally I’ll be ready and fully in love with whom I am before attempting to love someone. Building a good soil within my heart to produce a thriving life harvest. To love, wholeheartedly; something I had not done in many years… I’m excited about it! 🙂
Dr. Klein said that firmly believing that success is healing our psychological-emotional-physical wounds and living rightly in a purified body as the free and fearless spirits that we truly are. The absolute best chance we have to heal is by taking the route of allowing the body to do the work on its own terms, without interfering…
“The choice is yours
No matter what it is
To choose life is to choose to forgive
You don’t have to try
To hurt him and break his pride
To shake that weight off
And you will be ready to fly..”
I chose to fly….